Epilogue

The last week of the tour was anticlimactic. No more mountain passes. No more mountains period.

No deserts, no heat, no more 80 mile days. Just a few more days of flat cruising.

What there were were accolades about what an incredible feat this was, and that was true. It was a big

deal physically. But that wasn't the part that was the most challenging for me.

I knew from mid-September that my body was ready. I knew I could do the miles, so long as speed was

not a factor. (That said, I worried about coming in as the caboose, long after everyone else had arrived.) I

could get up any hill put in front of me even if I had to walk (I didn’t!).  I knew I could ride in hot weather

and in cold, in wind and in fog, on days when I was having fun and on days when things sucked. The

physical aspect was the easy part.

I have struggled for as long as I can remember with self-doubt and a fear of failure. I found the decision

making tortuous. I agonized over the gear choices, worrying about “being right.” This was my second real

group tour, the first being one where I was buoyed by the over-preparedness of the dear friends I went

with. I knew they’d have anything I forgot and would be kind about my shortcomings. This time I’d be on

my own, naked among strangers with any deficiencies glowing. Imposter syndrome was raging mercilessly.

I’ll admit to being relieved when it was time to leave and I just had to live with my choices, mistakes be

damned. As it turns out, I could have trusted myself as a highly functioning human. I had almost everything

I needed and not much excess.

It’s a hard process, that change in thinking. I’ve heard “I’m/We’re so proud of you” throughout the trip and

have shrugged it off, never asking why because I assumed I knew. It’s also awkward to match praise with

“why do you think that?” 

We’re socialized not to brag from an early age. Humility keeps us likable but it downplays reflection on

growth, something that should be celebrated. I turned the “we’re so proud of you” comment around and

started thinking about what I was proud of. At the risk of hubris, here’s the list. 

First and foremost, I faced my fears of being the weak link. I have always been afraid to fail. Turns out there were no weak links. We filled each other's gaps.
I love feeling strong. My body is amazing. 
I can trust myself and be ok if I made a mistake. Wet stuff will dry. 
I am better at concerning myself with things I can control and letting the rest go (sometimes just a little).
Barking dogs are out of my control. People snoring are out of my control. Road conditions are too. 
At my core I am a happy person. I made a point to disengage from negative conversations.  Complaining
takes a lot of unnecessary energy. Finding solutions is much more effective.
I now ask for what I need when I need it, not when it's built to a crisis and I am frantic.
Martyrdom is not necessary and I don't have to solve the problems of the world. It's ok to do what's best
for me.
There is a solution for every problem. I might not like it. Too bad.
When people ask about the trip, it's sometimes so they can tell me about their adventures. It’s sparked
enthusiasm in them. I listen and learn and don’t feel discounted. That’s not their intention.
I am better at questioning what I think I know.
I recognize more often when I am stuck in my thinking and can take a step back. There are other ways to
do things.
I ask all the questions I have. People are happy to talk about what they know.
Be generous when you are able. At the same time, take help when you need it. You are a better balancedperson when you live somewhere in the middle of that spectrum.

I've also heard what an inspiration I was in finishing this trip. I hope that's true! I hope I have given people

an interest in taking a step forward towards achieving their goals. We all have a spark in us, something

we'd like to learn, get better at, see, or do. Don’t waste your one precious life worrying about what could

go wrong. Go out and grab your badassery!